How to prepare your child for a sibling’s arrival
Would you like to make your child’s transition to becoming an older sibling easier? You’ve made a great call by preparing for it consciously. This period will be new for the whole family, but the biggest challenge will likely be for the older child. Let’s help them so the change feels gentler.
If we want both children to feel good in the newly expanded family, there are a few things to keep in mind. The most important is attention — something we should make a point of giving our older child regularly. If we do this, they’ll take far more joy in their sibling’s arrival and in the years they’ll share together.
Let’s start right at the beginning with a few helpful tips
Sit down with your child and look through photos from when they were little. As the baby will naturally get more attention for a while, it will comfort your older child to see that we waited for their arrival just the same way and prepared for them too. This way they’re less likely to see the baby as competition, because they’ll understand they also received similar attention when they were born.
Involve them in choosing a name. As parents, write down a few names you’d happily give the baby, and let the older sibling choose the one they like best. This helps them feel much closer to the new baby.
If your child is included in baby-related plans –buying clothes, setting up the nursery — they’ll get to know the whole process better and it will feel more natural.
Once the baby has arrived, put the following into practice as well:
As the time spent caring for a newborn will inevitably be greater, confidently involve the older child in simple baby-care tasks.
Make time for one-to-one activities that belong only to your older child – moments when it’s just them, or just them with Mum and Dad. In these times they experience that this is their special plan, where only they receive attention. Dad can help loads here – a kickabout in the park, a walk, grabbing an ice cream, but it’s important that Mum also offers this sometimes, asking someone to watch the baby for a bit. A child misses their mum’s attention too. This way they can feel they’re getting extra care. Even when you’re out as a foursome, it won’t bring the same feeling, because in that setup the baby still tends to receive more attention.
When relatives and visitors start coming, ask them to focus on the older child as well – offer praise and a small surprise for them too. If others aren’t on board, we can weave it into conversation ourselves by mentioning what the older one can do already and what they’re great at.
Can we leave the baby in the older child’s care?
If the age gap is large enough and you consider your older child reliable for the task, you can try this for short periods at your own discretion. However, always ask yourself whether you want to place on a child the level of responsibility it takes to watch and protect a baby. A child should not be given adult-sized responsibility, because situations can arise at any time that they can’t handle.
It’s also not reasonable to expect them to take care of their sibling for long stretches. They need time to play; they’re not yet mature enough to understand how to care for a tiny baby.
Let’s respect the older sibling’s toys
Make sure their toys and belongings can be kept safe around the baby. Ensure they have their own space, and that they don’t feel the little one is a threat to it.
Source: Child-rearing –Ferenc Novák, parenting trainer and researcher in educational behaviour
As the baby grows and the older sibling can play and chat with them, they’ll gradually get more involved in joint play - and shared fun will become more frequent.
Handle the new situation as naturally as possible
Let the family’s default stance be that it’s completely normal for everyone to have siblings. There are many motivational stories on this theme that can introduce the new situation to your child.
The older one already has deeper emotional needs than the baby. It’s good to focus on them a lot. Keep their routine - shared time, bedtime stories, don’t let their life be turned upside down. This gives them security. In fact, they should receive extra attention and their own special time, for instance at bedtime.
What is sibling jealousy and what are the signs?
Once everyday life gets going, you’ll likely encounter certain behaviours that signal jealousy. Your child may stall in their development or even regress to a previous stage. You may see defiance, thumb-sucking, aggressive behaviour, or even over-the-top affection. It’s important to accept these, because they’re natural.
Sibling jealousy goes hand in hand with a sibling’s birth. As parents, we need to know these feelings are normal; we should accept them and not forbid them. A new member has joined the family; the only child’s status has changed in some ways, and they need time to get used to that.
The situation can be harder if your child is also facing extra changes: starting nursery or school, or perhaps having to give up part of their room. Children approach everything egocentrically , from their own perspective so alongside the baby’s arrival they might feel they’re being pushed out at home. So take things step by step, and try to allow only one change at a time so you don’t overload them. Because they don’t fully understand the situation, children can link events in unhelpful ways. For example, it’s not ideal if bringing the baby home coincides with the older one starting nursery.
A swirl of ambivalent feelings will stir in your child’s heart. As the siblings grow closer, later on the younger one may feel similarly, because the older child often has certain age-related privileges. They do everything first – first to nursery, first to school and this dynamic can cover their whole childhood. For younger siblings this can be a constant frustration until, over time, they start to behave quite differently from the older one. They differentiate from each other, which is actually a good thing, because each finds their own area. Competition and clashes can evolve into cooperation.
Can sibling jealousy have long-term consequences?
One of the biggest issues is that many families treat the phenomenon as something negative that must be eliminated as quickly as possible. If we force this as parents, because we want to look like “good parents” and communicate to the outside world that our children are such good siblings, we’ll be stating something untrue, because that ideal doesn’t exist. This creates tension for the children. Rivalry is present in every sibling relationship; we have to accept it.
Conflicts aren’t only bad. Through them, children develop and mature; they’re real-life conflict-resolution training. Children learn to compromise, negotiate, assert themselves kindly, share things, and give up privileges. These things have to happen and even we adults often find them difficult. We can help by playing with them and showing them how to handle situations.
Accept their feelings. Children are allowed to feel them, but the actions that stem from them, like hurting someone, mustn’t be allowed.
“Let’s take the baby back to the hospital!”
Older siblings often make statements like this that shock or tug at our hearts. In those moments, understand them, because they’re in a very difficult life situation and have the right to experience their feelings. If we suppress them, especially if we shame or scold them for it – they won’t express those feelings in future situations.
Children learn best from their parents’ example how to co-operate with each other, so we have a role in the pattern we pass on. Keep this in mind whenever they argue or even start to fight. Sit down and play a game together where they can experience that they can work together.
Sources:
NHS 111 Wales — Children and new siblings. Practical tips on balancing attention and encouraging helpful involvement.
