What do we mean by the “default parent”?

In many families, the day-to-day planning and emotional load tends to sit mostly with mums. Modern life adds countless moving parts, so it’s easy to slip into a pattern where one parent quietly carries most of the lists, decisions and mental to-dos. That feeling is often described as being the default parent.

On social media you may also see the phrase “married single mum.” This usually reflects gaps in routines and information rather than a partner who never helps. If one parent is less familiar with the details, mum can feel permanently on call. Even when she goes out to recharge, she expects a call for instructions or writes a checklist before she leaves, so switching off is hard.

A familiar scenario

Imagine planning a night out with friends. You prep dinner, show where everything is, and explain bedtimes. While you’re out, part of your mind stays at home, wondering how bedtime went. That’s often a sign that one person is holding most of the routine in their head.

Before we slip into blame, it helps to name what’s really going on. Many dads spend fewer hours with the children because of work patterns, so they simply haven’t built the same “muscle memory” for daily rhythms yet. The good news is that routines can be learned and shared.

Who feels this most?

Mums commonly report it, because they’re the ones who are with the children more of the day. In families where dads are the primary carers, they often describe the same pattern.

How does it start?

It’s usually a mix of habits, assumptions and lack of conversation. If your partner is attentive and happy to take on tasks that are often labelled “mum jobs,” that support is invaluable. Where this isn’t happening, it’s rarely bad intent. It’s more often old beliefs or not realising how heavy the invisible work can feel.

Single mums face a different version of this load. There may be less conflict about who does what, but it can still feel relentless to be the family’s main pillar.

Why self-care matters

Looking after your own basics is not a luxury and not selfish. Everyone needs regular me-time to rest and reset. What drains mums isn’t only the lack of downtime. It’s the constant state of alert, the sense that you can’t step away. Over time this wears down energy, mood and patience, and it can strain a relationship.

Small, regular resets help. Read a few pages, listen to music, do a short home workout. Respecting your own needs means you’re less likely to put yourself last and more likely to return to the family feeling refreshed.

If mum can rest, everyone benefits

Short, frequent breathers make a big difference to the whole household. A rested, cheerful mum changes the atmosphere, and family members naturally gravitate towards her.

Where to start

• Name what isn’t working. When physical or emotional signs show up, pause and take stock.

• Remember mind–body links. Stress can show in the body even when tests are normal; psychological support can still help.

• Rebuild self-respect. Boundaries protect you and the family. Saying no to one thing is saying yes to your health.

• Plan together. Decide what you need, how often and how it can reasonably happen. Step by step beats big overnight changes.

• Ask clearly. Calm, kind conversations work best. Be specific about what would help. Encourage your partner to have longer solo time with the children to build confidence and routine.

• Appreciate effort. Thank each other. Positive feedback makes new habits stick.

• Seek professional support if needed. A psychologist, mental health professional or coach who works with parents can help you both reset patterns.

A quick note on language

Some mums describe feeling like the “default parent”, carrying most of the invisible load. If this resonates, see our earlier piece on the Default Parent for simple ways to share routines more evenly.