What is a father’s role in a child’s life?

A father’s role in his children’s lives is often much deeper than we realise in the rush of everyday life. In this article we’re sharing thoughts from well-known, respected experts, to help us all dive more deeply into this special, beautiful world of fatherhood.

Today, many dads are much more involved in their children’s lives, yet the traditional family model – where mum, dad and children all grow up in one household – is gradually becoming less common.

In the past, it was almost the other way round. Families themselves were highly valued, but fathers’ roles in day-to-day childrearing often moved into the background. A dad’s main job was to provide financially and to protect the family. Fathers spent relatively little time with their young children; after work they often rested on their own, supported in this by their wives. With older children – especially sons – they spent more time together, often working side by side, with children helping their dad.

Later, new ways of thinking appeared, encouraging fathers to help more with raising the children so that mum could rest. But the father’s deeper impact – his teaching, emotional support and everyday presence – was still not always truly recognised.

What are today’s dads like?

Over the last 50 years, there’s been a real shift. Fathers have become far more involved in bringing up their children. More and more dads are present at the birth of their baby, they pay close attention to newborn care, get up at night to help, and see the everyday work and mental load around the family as something shared.

Parenting is a genuine joy for them; they don’t want to miss out on it. Their emotional openness is strengthened by the attention, admiration and humility they feel towards their child. They experience a new, deeper sense of responsibility for their family.

Dad’s key role in emotional regulation

This is true for both daughters and sons. A father plays a huge role in a child’s self-esteem. Two simple, powerful sentences a child needs to hear from their dad as a sort of “lifelong packed lunch” are:

• “I’m proud of you, my girl.”
• “Yes, you did a great job there, son.”

The father–child relationship is just as important as the mother–child relationship. When it comes to emotional regulation, the father’s role can even be more significant than the mother’s.

We all know the scene: dad throws the child up in the air and catches them again. The child gets a fright, shivers with excitement – and in that moment learns that even when they are afraid, those two strong hands will always catch them. They feel safe and their emotions settle.

Dad also has a major role in helping the child step out into the world. This is one reason why many parents notice that when dad takes the child to nursery, goodbyes can be easier. A father’s presence is hugely important in a child’s life.

Many dads find it easier to really connect with their child from around 1–1.5 years of age. If a father already shows interest in caring for the baby during pregnancy, goes along to antenatal appointments, supports his partner during the birth and is involved early on, he is much more likely to feel close and confident around his baby – rather than feeling pushed to the side.

It’s important to be intentional about quality time together. If a child doesn’t receive this, then in a way they “have a dad, and yet they don’t” – the father is physically there but emotionally missing, and the relationship slowly empties out. This is one of the most crucial points.

“A father’s meaningful presence, role and behaviour in the family – the memories, values and patterns he passes on – are deeply imprinted in his children’s souls for life.”
– Prof. Emőke Bagdy, Hungarian clinical psychologist

The father’s role in a daughter’s life

Of course, a mum can and should praise her daughter – and she usually does. But for a little girl, it is completely different when this praise comes from her dad.

It often happens – and it’s no accident – that a little girl toddles up to her mum, proudly showing off her outfit, and mum says: “Go and show Daddy how lovely you look!”

She then walks over to her dad and, perhaps a little shyly but with a special kind of confidence, twirls in front of him. Dad responds, reflecting back her femininity and worth. A girl becomes a woman in the eyes of a man – and this has a deep impact on her self-esteem. It’s a vital form of feedback for her.

A daughter needs a stable male role model

Fathers don’t always pass on to their daughters the kind of steady emotional support that would help them become secure teenagers. Yet girls need a strong male role model.

Until a girl has, inside herself, put her own father in a clear, healthy place, she may keep looking for in other men what she never received from him. In a sense, she may be searching for a “substitute father” – and in that relationship, she tends to remain the little girl, not the grown woman.

Dad in a son’s life

If the relationship between father and son is not about rivalry, but the father recognises and affirms his child, this gives the boy a kind of inner permission to grow. Dad shows him how to step out into the world, where the boundaries are, when to take risks, and what healthy male behaviour looks like.

It matters a lot whether the father involves his son in shared activities – DIY, fixing things, practical tasks. Does he allow him to join in, or does he constantly criticise and push him away?

Even in adulthood, a man may still be asking himself: “Can I ever be good enough, if my dad never once acknowledged me?”

You need to talk to your child – always, and about everything

The family is still the child’s primary environment – the place they look to for protection and solutions. But today, many families are struggling and can’t always give children the support they need. Mothers are often exhausted by the load they carry. Fathers work long hours and focus on earning money.

And yet many dads rush home in the evenings, ready to take part in their children’s lives, take on some of the load – some even take parental leave. When a dad has this attitude, it can help the whole family into a better place, improve the relationship between the parents, and this is incredibly important for the child.

Children react far less to what we say, and far more to what we are like. They pick this up from us, often unconsciously.

We need to talk with children about everything – including separation, divorce, death and sadness. There should be no taboos in the family. They sense when something is wrong, but they don’t yet understand what they’re feeling – and this can cause a constant inner tension.

Children watch their dad in real, everyday situations

A dad’s most important task is not to entertain his child. His true role is to let his child see him in action in everyday, real-life situations where he is competent and engaged.

Doing things together is key, along with spending quality time in the most natural ways possible. Home life and everyday tasks are where a child can really observe their father. It’s also valuable to have one-to-one time, just dad and child – this is how he can pass on his own inner values. Think, for example, of going for a walk together in the woods.

In early childhood, a father has a stabilising role. He can bring peace into family life by taking some of the load off mum, offering calm, or even being firm when needed in a given situation.

Fathers are also very important role models for girls. A dad does the same activity differently from a mum. For instance, a father might show how to plan a task step by step. A little girl will create something very differently with her mum than she will with her dad.

Dad is key to emotional development

When a father is able to support a child’s emotional growth, it has enormous value. This powerful, lifelong influence is something that even a loving mother can’t give in quite the same way.

But if a dad is emotionally rejecting, the impact can be very negative. Why? Because in many families, mothers tend to talk more, and fathers often touch more. Dads are more likely to engage in physical play – tickling, rough-and-tumble, throwing the child up and catching them. Their style is more “dangerous”, more intense.

During this kind of play, the child experiences fear, excitement and many other strong emotions – they scream, shiver, but at the same time they feel completely safe. Dad not only brings out these feelings, he also helps to calm them again.

Mums, on the other hand, often play more board games, tell stories and read, which also play a hugely important role. But it is often physical touch and active play that can draw out feelings in a deep, elemental way.

When there is no male role model in a child’s life

If a child’s father doesn’t live with the family, they rarely see each other, the parents are divorced or the father has died, it is still very important that there is some kind of male role model in the child’s life – a grandfather, stepfather or another trustworthy man.

Of course, this is not the same as growing up in a family with both parents. It also matters how the father was lost – separation, conflict, death or emotional absence all shape the child differently. These experiences can influence personality development, but they can also be worked with and compensated for.

Sometimes, a father who is not a good role model can even become a kind of negative example that gives the child strength. The child may say to themselves: “I will do it differently when it’s my turn.”

Sources:

Fatherhood Institute – Supporting paternal caregiving in the UK

NSPCC – Support & advice for families