How can we make the tantrum phase easier?

Around 14–15 months of age, children enter a stage that can be hard for them and for their parents too – yet it’s a very important milestone in their development. It helps a lot if we know, understand and can handle these often unexpected situations. That way, over time we’ll feel more prepared for those moments when our little one suddenly starts to resist everything.

As parents, we want to nurture and protect our relationship with our child. When we reach this developmental milestone – the tantrum phase – our little one’s behaviour can really test our patience. It doesn’t just create tension; it often brings a lot of questions, worries and even guilt after situations where we feel we should have reacted differently.

We may be weighed down by countless questions we can’t easily answer. It can feel as if our child’s behaviour is making a healthy parent–child relationship almost impossible, because we constantly have to be alert, set limits and correct – often with little visible result.

Are we already in the tantrum phase? Is it normal that my child seems to oppose me all the time? Will I recognise if it stops being a natural stage and something else is wrong? How can I help my child? How can I help myself?

This uncertainty is completely natural. But if we understand the meaning and “mission” of the tantrum phase, we’ll be able to approach it much more flexibly. It’s important to remember that every child goes through this stage differently – in different intensity and patterns. Likewise, parents also have different levels of tolerance and different coping strategies for their child’s oppositional behaviour.

What is happening to your child?

When your little one enters the tantrum phase, they are actually about to make a huge developmental leap. They are crossing from babyhood into toddlerhood. This brings big changes in their social, communication and emotional development, and this is why it’s so important that we stand beside them during this time.

It often starts with a kind of meltdown you’ve never seen before. Your usually smiley child may suddenly become angry, lash out or cry. Almost every other word seems to be “no”. In the street or at the supermarket they might throw themselves on the floor and refuse to listen to anything.

Once your baby starts toddling, they discover that they can influence their environment. They begin to explore and express their own needs more consciously, but they still can’t judge what they are actually able to achieve, what is a real need and what is just a wish. This can make them tense about things that used to be completely unproblematic. They want to do things they’re simply not yet capable of, and this can trigger anger and frustration.

Your child is developing very quickly both physically and mentally, and this can be a strain for them too. It’s still hard for them to express themselves with words, so their attempts to communicate can lead to frustration. By now, they are no longer attached only to their mum; they are starting to get to know other people as well.

The questions just keep coming

• What should I forbid? What should I allow? Where is the line?
• How can I be a consistent parent?
• What is my child trying to experience or learn?

Every parent decides for themselves what stance to take on these questions. As a bit of guidance, here are two simple approaches that can help.

• Teach your child what is forbidden and what is dangerous. This is not always easy, because your child is right in the middle of the exploration phase, and up to now they may not have heard “you mustn’t” or “that’s not allowed” very often from you.
• If you can decide which things are dangerous – like cleaning products or plug sockets – which are simply annoying for you – like emptying out every box in sight – and which can be explored under supervision – things they could damage – it becomes much easier to keep control of the situation.

Is it hard for them to understand? Have you told them a hundred times already? It might genuinely be that they don’t yet understand. Give more weight to warning about truly dangerous things than to things that just require extra care. This helps your child learn to distinguish between them.

Normative crises occur in everyone’s life

We all move through certain life stages, and these involve transitions that come with turning points. If we want an example, we can think about the shift from childhood into young adulthood. These so-called normative crises are natural milestones in our lives.

How can we make the tantrum phase easier?

By paying attention to a few key points, we can help reduce our child’s frustration.

• Make your child’s environment as safe as possible. Put away the things they absolutely mustn’t touch, so they’re out of sight. Let them explore the space. When it makes sense, help them – lift them up so they can see or touch the thing they’re so curious about.

• Your little one can be given small tasks they are able to do: they can wipe surfaces, help put things away or sweep. When they want to follow you everywhere, these little jobs help them stay occupied, and you can get on with the housework more calmly.
• Try to avoid too many stimuli, overly tiring activities and constant background TV. These all have a negative impact on their nervous system.
• Keep an eye on daily routines. Predictability is important.
• At this age, children struggle to express themselves, even though their abilities allow them to do much more than before. Give them opportunities for self-expression through movement, simple exercises, creative play – like playing in the sand, using playdough, painting – swinging, singing and puppet play.
• Make sure their environment is varied but safe, so they can explore freely.
• Play with them and make sure there are shared, one-on-one times together!

Unlimited permissiveness creates anxiety in children

It’s useful to be aware of this, because the explanations we give our child are often not understandable for them – and they may experience these explanations as a kind of unlimited weakness. In such cases, we may see aggressive behaviour, because behind our explanations there can be a sense of anxiety and uncertainty: “What if this doesn’t work?” – and this makes the child irritable.

If something is forbidden, it is often better to express this clearly and simply:

Intention here means our inner resolve – not our verbal explanation, but our internal decision. If something is not allowed, we need to state this firmly to the child. At this age, this kind of clear approach can sometimes be more effective.

What can trigger a tantrum?

• tiredness
• hunger or thirst
• boredom
• unexpected situations
• an illness starting or hidden pain
• too many rules, too many “no”-s – or sometimes too few
• setting expectations that are too high for the child

Who can we turn to for help?

If, around the tantrum phase, you see behavioural difficulties that seem to go beyond natural, age-appropriate reactions, or you feel that something is not quite following a typical pattern, it’s important to ask a professional for help.

It’s often better to be cautious with “tried and tested tips” and random videos, because they are not always reliable or truly evidence-based. A child psychologist, family therapist or family support and child welfare services can offer you support.

The tantrum phase becomes easier to handle if we try to approach it from a different perspective. Instead of seeing it as a “necessary evil”, we can see it as a natural developmental stage with a purpose. Just as we marvel at our child’s changes during growth spurts, we can try to be understanding now as well – because this period is not always easy for them either.

Sources:

NSPCC – How to cope with toddler tantrums

Family Lives – Dealing with tantrums