Who is the default parent? Why me?

Raising children has been a task that has been mainly assigned to women since ancient times. We fundamentally know this and accept it. However, in today's world, we have to face loads and tasks coming from countless sides that are difficult to fulfill as a single person. Sometimes, mothers find themselves in a situation where they do everything on their own, without support, and they are the ones who know how to do everything. This is the problem we will address in our article.

What does the “default parent” mean as a phenomenon? 

The term “married single mother” has been the most popular on social media, describing the situation in which a mother is left to shoulder the burden of childcare and other family matters alone, usually because her partner withdraws from them. The term “default parent” describes the same phenomenon.

There are times when dad completely takes a back seat after work. In such cases, he wants to relax after coming home, and since he had a hard day, he gives himself the opportunity to relax. There are those who help, but are “out of the picture” in many things, so the mother can never fully relax even if she can regularly leave home to rest. Because she is either expected to receive a phone call with a question, or she has to write a list of the most important things to do for her partner in advance. So she does not feel that she can really go away with a peace of mind so that life at home does not stop without her.

To give an example, imagine a mother organizing a party with her friends, for which she can only go if she has prepared dinner for the family beforehand, shown her partner what they can eat, where it is, and told him how long the children should stay up. Meanwhile, while she is trying to relax in the company, she wonders if the children managed to go to bed on time, and what the situation is at home. All this is because she feels and experiences that her partner does not have a routine for raising children. 

This is often true. However, before we blame dads, we need to accept that they really don't spend as much time with their kids as we do, and they haven't gained expertise in many things.

 Source: Wmn

Mainly the mother is affected 

Of course, since mothers raise their children, they experience this. They are the ones who are with them all day long with all their attention, and they also have those instinctive maternal skills that make them know almost everything about raising children. In families where the father raises the children, he must experience similar things.

How can this phenomenon develop?

Whether we become a "default mom" can depend on several factors. If our partner is attentive, helpful, and willing to take on tasks that are considered "women's work," then what we get from them is invaluable.

However, not all men feel the importance of this. This is often due to misinformation, ingrained beliefs, and lack of awareness. After all, it is a common belief that the mother is at home to raise their children while the father works, and unfortunately many are forced to confront the stated idea that "the mother is at home, she has nothing to do."

We should also mention the situation of single mothers, since in their case there is not even as much hope for help as for those living in a relationship. They often live with less tension - this is a bit of a positive - because they do not have their partner by their side, from whom they expect, but do not receive, the support. Yet they may experience it as a burden that they are the main pillar of the family. 

And why is it that children always run to their mothers when they have any problems? Even when mothers are not at home but fathers are nearby?

It's out of habit, since they've been with their mother all day since they were little. The reason for this could also be that the mother is the more assertive problem solver in the family. The children feel this too.

The importance of self-care 

Taking care of our own basic needs is not about luxury, nor is it selfish. If we consider that everyone needs that me-time when they can relax and regenerate themselves according to their needs, then we can accept that mothers especially need this.

It's not just the lack of relaxation that's mentally and physically taxing. It's also the state of total alertness, from which there's no chance of escaping for short periods of time without help. Yet when you can sometimes let go of the weight of responsibility, it can be a recharge.

When we are burdened for a long time and feel like we are on call 24/7, this constant sense of responsibility and unpredictability can greatly reduce our energy, vitality, and mood. A mother who feels abandoned by her partner and does not receive adequate support from him may end up in a bad mental state. She may become irritable or depressed. No matter how she reacts, the problem will definitely affect their relationship.

Our soul and body regularly ask for time to rejuvenate themselves a little and release stress. All of this is a program that even a few small things are enough for. A mother can mentally relax with her favorite novel or music, but if she wants to exercise, she can turn on an online video and exercise.

To achieve self-care, even during a difficult period in life, a mother needs to respect her own needs. Without this, she will tend to put herself completely at the back of the queue and only experience relaxation and recharge when she thinks she has nothing else to do. And let's face it, there is very little chance of this with small children.

 Source: Dr.AmberThornton

If the mother can rest, she can return refreshed.

Regularly incorporating small relaxation activities has a positive effect not only on the mother, but on the entire family. A relaxed and cheerful mother is a joy to be around, and family members simply gather around her.

Do you know that feeling when you leave home and miss your children?

This is good because when you get home completely refreshed, you can't wait to be with them again, now with more energy.

How can we help our situation for our own health? 

Don't be afraid to communicate and ask. How can we get started?

Let's notice what is not good for us 

 We live in a fast-paced world, and raising children often completely distracts us from our own thoughts. That's why it's only when physical and mental symptoms appear that we sit down to think about what could have caused the problem.

It's good to know that mental stress can produce real physical symptoms over time. Just think of psychosomatic symptoms, which are mainly physical disorders that do not have a proven organic cause, and their treatment is effective with psychotherapy.

 Source: Semmelweis University

Let's take our self-respect 

 Self-esteem is an inner respect for ourselves, which, among other things, helps us to set our boundaries and say no. In the case of motherhood, this is especially difficult. After all, we do not have to stand up to strangers, our family is on the opposite side.

Mothers' caring love often involves sacrificing their own needs, which they feel is completely natural and even admit. However, it is worth establishing an approximate limit for a line that can provide regular rest, but does not cause any loss to the family.

Let's think, let's plan  

Let's think about it and determine what we honestly need, how often, and how we can achieve it. Planning is very important. If we don't act immediately, guided by our emotions, we can expect much better cooperation.

Let's try to let go of some burdens! It's not appropriate to make big changes right away. It would be difficult to achieve and would create tension in the relationship. In the long run, it is more successful and wiser to take it step by step. Basically, two major problems should be addressed: getting more help and being able to relax.

Let's validate our desires 

 Let's talk about it openly, ask boldly, specifically. If we find a supportive partner, everything will go much easier. Calm, kind communication, in a calm situation, is important.

Accusations can greatly undermine cooperation. In contrast, kind communication based on emotion allows us to express our true feelings to the other person.

It can also be an encouraging solution if the father also has the opportunity to experience what it's like to be with children for a longer period of time.

Positive feedback

Don't forget to thank your partner for their help. Although you may think that support would be essential, it still feels good to the other person and strengthens them. You can then feel free to tell them how different our lives have become, but they will probably also see that we have exchanged.

Professional help 

If you absolutely cannot go it alone, you can find a professional – a psychologist, mental health professional, coach – who works specifically with mothers.