Has separation anxiety arrived?
In the first 6 months, your baby feels as if they are one with you. They cannot imagine themselves without you; you are almost like two parts of the same whole. This close, almost symbiotic bond feels like a little paradise for them. As your child develops and begins to open up to the world, big changes start to unfold.
When you leave the room, or put them down in the same way you always have, they may now react by crying. They can become wary of strangers, feel scared and start to cry. Separation anxiety usually appears in two waves: first around 6–8 months, and then again at about 18 months.
How can we help our child through these stages?
What can we do about separation anxiety at 6–8 months?
For a while, things can feel harder – for you and for your baby. Around 6–8 months, you might feel that you could finally move away a bit more from your little one – and just then, separation anxiety appears, often affecting night-time as well. Your baby suddenly realises that mum is not always there with them.
It’s important to understand this situation, and to respond with loving patience. At night, things can be further complicated by restlessness due to teething, the changes brought by weaning and digestion, and by rapid motor development.
Whenever you can, keep your baby close to you. If it’s safe for them, you can have them nearby and within sight while you do the housework. Talk to your baby – this not only reassures them that you are present, but it’s also very important for their early communication development.
Pay attention to their needs; pick them up if that’s what they’re clearly asking for. Create a small play corner for them in the room where you spend most of your time. Make sure it’s safe for them.
You can also talk to relatives and other adults about this period so that they understand why your little one might be frightened of them. This is important, because people who are not up to date with your child’s current stage may not react with enough care in such a sensitive situation. If they understand that they can help by not forcing contact when the child is hesitant, they are less likely to put your baby in uncomfortable situations.
How can we handle separation anxiety at around 18 months?
At around 18 months, separation anxiety often returns – sometimes even a little more strongly than before. At this age, your child is walking and exploring, yet they can often feel afraid of doing all this independently, without you. Sleep difficulties can reappear. They may long to be held, and need closeness and a sense of safety.
An 18-month-old understands a great deal already, but we still need to be very patient, because they also need time. When they feel the need to run back to you and recharge in your arms, let them do that. The playground is a great place for them to move away with confidence and run back whenever they want.
If you need to go out and leave your child with someone, explain to them where you are going, why you are going, and what they will be doing until you get back. Tell them when you will return, and link it to an event they can understand (for example, after lunch, after their nap). Always keep your promise. It helps a lot if you yourself are calm and composed.
Saying goodbye is usually easier if you choose the right moment. For example, if your child is in the middle of a game, they may find it easier to let you go. Even then, they need to know that you are leaving and when you’ll be back, so don’t sneak away while they’re not looking – this can lead to serious loss of trust and fear.
If your child is allowed to follow you whenever they need to, and if you leave and then return at the promised time, they begin to build trust, even though they’re afraid of being apart. This trust gives a stable foundation to the mother–child relationship not only during the separation anxiety phase, but also has a positive effect for years to come.
When you arrive somewhere new, give your child time to get used to the environment. Don’t take them straight into the middle of the hustle and bustle; instead, let them observe from a distance. This way, they can approach others based on their own feelings, and allow people to interact with them at their own pace.
It’s a difficult time for parents too
A baby struggling with anxiety takes a great deal of their parents’ attention and patience. It’s completely natural for a mum to long for some time alone. During this period, your child is often more fussy than usual and feels unable to be without you – without rest and time to switch off, this can really test you.
Regular recharging and “me time” can help. To make this possible, you may need to accept help from loving family members.
Notice how much time your child can comfortably spend without you, and also who they are able to trust enough to stay with. Take into account their emotional maturity. This is important, because being away from you for too long – or being left with someone your child does not accept – can create a stressful situation for them and trigger fear.
What not to do during a period of separation anxiety
Do not leave your child alone to cry. Try not to go away for a long time during this particularly sensitive period. If that feels very difficult, remember that by staying close you are giving your child the sense of security they need most from you right now. This thought may help you find a solution or a workable middle ground.
Let relatives know if your child is currently more distant or wary of others, and do not hand them over to someone they don’t know or are clearly afraid of.
When should we seek professional help?
There may be situations that feel unnatural, drag on for too long, or seem too intense. It may be time to seek help if your child:
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still shows signs of separation anxiety at 2–3 years of age, and cannot separate from their parents even for a short time, or experiences any distance as severe anxiety
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develops physical symptoms when they are apart from their parents, even if they are with someone they know well and like
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is afraid to be alone in their own home, for example in their room
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is very afraid to sleep alone
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starts to withdraw from their peers, does not make friends, and their social relationships fade
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refuses to go to nursery or school
Separation anxiety disorder also exists
Anxiety symptoms are, at certain stages of life, a normal part of development. Anxiety disorders, however, are often harder to notice because they don’t always show striking, obvious signs. Still, the child faces these feelings every day, suffers because of them, and they are a real problem for them.
In terms of their nature, anxiety problems can include social anxiety disorders, phobias linked to specific objects or situations, and separation anxiety disorder. This last one can also appear during preschool and school years, especially in the form of extreme clinginess at goodbye, often with crying and holding on tightly. The child feels intense anxiety about being separated from their parent.
Separation anxiety disorder is different from the anxiety experienced at around 8 months and 18 months described above. The main difference is that in the case of a disorder, the fear is present at an age when it should no longer be there. It can trigger very strong reactions in the child, and these situations can be extremely hard for the parent emotionally as well.
If, as parents, you notice your child’s anxiety persisting over time, it’s important to seek professional help, so that your child can live as full a life as possible and you can reduce the risk of later mental health difficulties.
Separation anxiety is an important period in a child’s life. This is when they discover what they are able to do on their own, and what makes them feel afraid. They experience that there are people they can trust, and others they cannot. They become more aware of their own abilities and limits.
And throughout this time, the parent is right there beside them – allowing them to become more independent, letting go of their hand when needed, and offering that same hand – and a hug – whenever they need reassurance again.
Sources:
NHS – Separation anxiety
