Help – my child is becoming independent!
A child’s growing independence is one of the trickiest parts of parenting, because it keeps throwing up new situations and we often don’t understand why they do what they do. Little ones aren’t consistent or logical – they simply want. And they want it a lot.
When a newborn arrives, life feels like a blissful oneness for around six weeks. Then they begin to realise they are a separate person, although they still “think” they are the same as Mum. Early on they believe odd things – like their hands aren’t theirs, but separate objects. When it dawns on them that Mum is not always there, they can feel anxious and look constantly for connection. Around six months or so, that intense closeness starts to loosen. The world is so fascinating that baby has to recognise that they and Mum are not one and the same.
Eating more independently
By 3–4 months, little ones already show when they are full. If they are bottle-fed, they may be able to hold the bottle by themselves. It is important not to leave them alone, both for safety and because they still need close contact.
By 5–6 months, they begin showing interest in adults’ food and are ready for the first tastes of solids.
At 6–7 months they can grab the spoon and even bring it to their mouth, though they cannot feed themselves properly yet. A training cup, however, often goes quite well. By 8–9 months they pick up small bits of food with their fingers. That sense of achievement is huge – let them have a go. By 10–12 months many babies manage a fair bit on their own and can start learning to use a spoon and toddler fork. Expect epic mess for a good while yet. By around age 2 most children can eat with a spoon and drink from an open cup on their own.
How long can a child play alone?
Even at 6–8 weeks, babies can happily look around for stretches. If you place a dangling or crinkly toy within reach so that a flailing hand brushes it, they soon realise their own movement makes the toy move. From 2–3 months this can keep them busy for a bit.
By 3 months, 15 minutes of solo “pottering” is possible. From 5 months they are very curious, yet often clingy and keen on Mum. Why? Familiar toys are no longer captivating, but the exciting new ones are still hard to reach and handle. This stage passes with the next developmental leap, when they can move more freely and explore.
At 1–1.5 years, free movement and autonomy are the big draw. They empty baskets, rearrange things and explore. With space to roam and a variety of toys within reach, they can occupy themselves, though they will still pop back to Mum now and then – which is perfectly normal. At 2, even in a group, play is mostly side-by-side, but they can stick with blocks or a favourite doll for longer. By 3, peers become important for play, and concentration grows – they build, make and create with gusto.
Newborns cannot yet relax themselves to sleep
They need help to unwind – calm routines, your gentle presence and a bit of rocking. Nights are unsettled to begin with. Day–night rhythm takes a month or two to establish, and sleep is lighter than an adult’s. Once a cycle emerges, consistent wind-down routines – especially those that teach relaxation – help them develop their own way of nodding off. If you’d like to read more about baby sleep, have a look at our earlier article.
From 5–10 months, even if self-settling often works – especially if they had the chance to learn it – protest can pop up. This pushback is also a sign of growing independence. Help by creating a calm, low-stimulation sleep space that shuts out the buzz of the outside world.
Between 10–18 months, many children drop to one nap, and sometimes resist even that because exploring is far more interesting. If they are very tired but not drifting off, aim first for relaxation rather than sleep – a simple story or a song often does the trick, and then sleep follows.
By, some children no longer nap reliably at home – they often tire more in nursery, at grandparents’ or in other busy settings
Potty training usually becomes timely around 2.5 years
At 1–1.5 years they cannot consciously control wee and poo yet, but they are fascinated, follow you to the loo and start to understand the ideas. They may sit on the potty to practise. Before age 2, most are not consistently dry. A few will occasionally wee in the potty or signal before a poo. Typically, daytime potty training begins around 2.5 years, and by 3 years daytime dryness is often reliable.
Accidents can happen up to around 6 years old. For older children it is often because they cannot get to the toilet in time in group settings. Wherever possible, children should be allowed to go when they need to – that avoids embarrassment. This is why nurseries and schools ask for spare clothes.
Be independent and do as you’re told – at the same time?
That push–pull will feel familiar. On the one hand we encourage independence with eating, drinking from a cup and using the potty; on the other we expect cooperation – tidying toys, later getting dressed by themselves.
Tension arises because willpower develops across all areas at once, while rules and routines still need learning. Early on children do not grasp why adults have certain expectations or limits. Consistency helps – clear family rules and steady requests make the world more predictable for them.
“No!”
Welcome to the no-phase. It can seem like the answer to everything is no, and logic goes out the window. That is because they are practising their will in real time with parents and carers. The point is not what they refuse, but that they refuse. The protests feel baffling and may arrive out of the blue – sometimes with full dramatic effect.
Source:
Buckinghamshire Healthcare NHS Trust — Child development
